It’s Me

Wow!!  My very first blog post.  To be real honest I never thought I’d have one, it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now just never committed to it nor did I feel anyone would want to read it.  Here I am!

Let me introduce myself.  My name is Carolina Gonzalez, 29 soon to be 30 (thirty, flirty and thriving) haha can’t wait to say that on my bday!  I’m a Texas girl born and raised with an 11-year-old pre-teen who thinks she’s the boss (so she thinks).  I’ve lived here all my life in different cities in the RGV.  I guess you can say I’m a gypsy turtle like my aunt says about my cousin Arianna and I.  Moving around with all our things not fearing the world.  It’s nice feeling independent while you learn about living on your own, paying bills, not getting enough sleep, working an 8-5 job you hate but know you have to stay there to survive.  Hey that’s life though in order to get where you want to go you need to know about struggle.  I’ll be honest I’ve learned about struggle and it’s made me who I am today.

I lived on my own for 5 years in McAllen not knowing how I would even pay my rent.  At that time, I was working for an insurance company making okay money but I was still living pay check to pay check.  I depended most of the time on the $20 here and there my grandparents would give me for food or gas.  Most of the time I would just buy wine and weed.  I know I know shame on me but hey that’s what the average 20 something year old will do.  Some just don’t admit it I on the other hand can.  In October of 2013 I moved in with my grandparents to help out with my grandma, she was dying of cirrhosis of the liver.  Day in and day out I took care of her she was the main focus in my life.  Not going to lie that was one of the hardest times in my life.  Having to watch the person you love so dearly go through what she went through.  I remember sleepless nights with her, us laying down talking about life and the future.  She was the type of woman that loved being independent so to see her in the state of mind she was in while being sick was very emotional.  5 months later I lost her and my entire world came crashing on me.  I wanted to die I honestly didn’t know how to accept it.  She was everything to me and more.  A month later my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer and at that time I was so numb with losing my grandma that I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on with my mom to the point I distanced myself from her and everyone.  I ended up moving out in April of 2014 I got a studio apartment for me and my cat.  I needed to just get out of my grandparents’ house, it was so difficult being there. I can honestly say that 2014 was the worst year of my life.  I started binge drinking, smoking every day, gained 15 lbs. from me not taking care of myself.  I thought I would numb the pain that way.  I moved again! Yes, I know what the hell girl stay still. So ya! I ended up moving to San Juan. I lost my job, my car got taken away. THE WORST!! I literally hit rock bottom.  I’m grateful for the people who stuck around during the time I needed them the most.  May of 2015 I got my life back on track started a new job, stopped binge drinking and smoking weed every day.  Literally got my shit together!! Ever since then things have been better.  Finally found myself and grew to love myself the way every woman should love themselves.  I feel that losing my grandma has taught me what it’s like to be strong and most importantly I have grown from it in more ways than one. Every day is still a process and a learning experience.  Here we are 2017! I decided to leave the job I loved so much to go in a different direction and I guess we will just see what God has in store for me on this new journey.

Thank you for reading!  Hope you come back 😊

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